Hot Tubbing With Steinbrenner, Isiah Thomas, & Popcorn

Written By Chris C-Ford ---- Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Ohhh, I'm exhausted. I've been on F Street a thousand times! It's never looked so strange! The cold! In the distance, a child is crying…Fatherless...a bastard child, perhaps…Thank God I took off my Gil Zeros, and put on my...HIMALAYAN WALKING SHOES!!!

Last night, while I left The Hill smiling about the Cavs loss win (WTF), I was treated to another surprise. Fan Patrol was passing out gift cards to people. I could make out the $20 from a mile away, and I heard someone mention popcorn. I quickly went over and was happy to see the girl hand me 2 gift certificates. I now had $40 to spend on Dale & Thomas popcorn! Co-Owned by NBA superstar Isiah Thomas. What a treat!

I woke up late this morning (Some Am/Pm problems, not the snooze, everyone thinks it’s the snooze) and got to work excited about popcorn for the first time. Usually around 10am every day, Grace makes popcorn, and as the smell wafts throughout the office I think to myself “Man I really want to punch Grace in the face”. But not today. Today was different. Today was the first day of the rest of my popcorn eating life. Today I was excited about that smell, I longed for it. Today I would make a toast to Grace.

After I finished up some work and started smelling that once hated aroma, I decided I would buy myself some popcorn. (during a break if the boss is reading) I took out the 2 gift cards and glanced at the back of them finding some terrible fine print. “Limit One Card Per Order”. Those Son’s Of Bitches. Oh well I thought. I’ll just make two cheap orders instead of one expensive order.

So I pulled up the Dale & Thomas web site (on my personal computer if the boss is reading) and took a quick look around. After one minute of browsing I slammed my fist on my desk. I was hot! Luckily at that time the boss walked by.

“I always look annoyed. Yeah, when you look annoyed all the time, people think that you're busy. Think about it...” - George Costanza

Thirty Six Mother F’ing Dollars. That is the cheapest price those Sons Of Bitches and Bastards at Dale & Thomas charge for their popcorn. That price includes 6 sample bags and shipping. That’s $6 a bag…awful.

So to recap, what first looked like a great deal of $40 of free popcorn, has turned into me spending $16 times 2 gift cards for a total of $32. And that’s if I get the cheapest items on the site. Needless to say I will not be taking this deal.

This is a good marketing tactic, but don’t fall for it. You don’t even want popcorn do you? And don’t be a bastard and regift. Wait, actually. That’s a great idea. I have a wedding coming up. I hope my best friend Leslie likes popcorn (and has $32 to spend). Anyways, some advice to you:

You tell that son of a bitch Isiah that no popcorn is ever comin' to DC! Not as long as those bastards are running things!

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