Why Gilbert Arenas Won't Return This Season

This reminds me of the old SNL skit where the news anchor pre-tapes some things that could happen to Gerald Ford.

"Gerald Ford dead today, after jumping out of an office building, senselessly"

Anyways, here are some stories we should pre-tape for Gilbert just in case they happen...Vote On The Right Side

1. Eaten By A Shark
Gilbert Arenas retired today after being eaten by a giant illegal bullshark. According to eyewitness accounts, Arenas was holding a fish out over the water to feed the shark when it came out of the water and tore off Arenas' arm. The shark nicknamed "The Shark President" by Arenas, was not harmed in the incident, and Gilbert says he harbors no hard feelings.

2. Tattooed Finger Infection
Gilbert Arenas retired today after his fingers got infected and fell off. Arenas recently got tattoos on his fingers to celebrate new president Barack Obama, but the procedure went horribly wrong. Why an NBA player would get the most sensitive and important part of his body, and something so essential to his carer tattooed is still unknown. The most shocking part of this story is that Gilbert Arenas will no longer be able to blog. Not because he can't type, but because he can't dial his phone to the blog's ghost writer.

3. Tragic Bowling Accident
Gilbert Arenas retired today after suffering a shattered kneecap at a local bowling alley. Arenas recently got engaged and although his knee was injured, decided to go bowling to celebrate the occasion. Gilbert was bowling an Obama-like 36, and on pace to break 40 for the first time in his career when something went horribly wrong. As Arenas went for his bowl in the 10th frame, his knee buckled and his 8 pound ball shattered his kneecap, ending his NBA career.

4. Lack Of A Knee
Gilbert Arenas retired today after his 72nd consecutive knee surgery. To Arenas, knee surgeries were like paychecks, and they should be collected every 2 weeks. For the last 68 surgeries, nothing was wrong with Arenas and doctors advised against it but according to Arenas they were "precautionary". This last surgery removed some cartilage, which turned out to be the last of it. Arenas no longer has a knee.

While all these are fake stories, they all could happen! So maybe Gil should stop playing with sharks, bowling on a bad knee, and tattooing vital parts of his body.