The Facebook Stalker

Written By Chris C-Ford ---- Saturday, September 22, 2007

Found this story I wrote a few years ago...Nothing to do with sports...I'm strange...

This is a story...the main character is YOU. Enjoy. (If you are a girl, replace phrases in the story like "hot girl" with "hot guy", or else you will get everyone excited)

The year is 1985, a glorious year in the history of our great civilization, and a year with no Internet access for the common man. You are 23 years old, a working stiff, about a year and a half removed from college. By all standards, you are a "grown up" and are living it up in the "real world" (which was not yet a show). You pay bills via US postal service, cook your own dinner in the microwave, do laundry, discuss politics, and whatever else adults do. (You would never be in situations where you consume alcohol 3 days in a row or vomit out car windows)

You are sitting in your $200 a month apartment (or your parents basement) on a Thursday night. Your favorite night of television is about to come on and there are commercials outlining the upcoming programming schedule.

"Things are really heating up on Family Ties", and "This week on the Cosby show, It just keeps getting hotter when a young hot underage looking chick comes to town to stir things up and turn the town upside down. And you will never guess what happens in the last 4 minutes. Its so warm and hot and fire and steaming and sizzling and other things found in the thesaurus under the word hot." Which strangely is similar to our current TV program advertisements.

You decide that you may actually want to go to bed early and fall asleep listening to your Wham CD, and watch the program at another time. If only there was a way to hit one button so the TV automatically recorded to some kind of hard drive the program you wanted to watch. But it is 1985, so you program your VCR to record the shows. However you find this process to be very difficult. (And with this and the invention of airline food, stand up comedy is born)

For some reason, the next morning you wake up early and decide that today is the day that you are going to find a "mate". If all goes well, you can have children who can be around to enjoy Desperate Housewives, which technically you don't know exists because its 1985.

You get into your car and drive down to the local college. "Don't forget the camera!" First stop is the freshman dorms. You slouch down in your car and stake out the dorm. If you see a hot girl, you secretly take her photo. If you see an ugly girl, you do nothing. (Remember to make sure the picture of them looks better than their real appearance)

Before you go any further, you have important information to find out. What is she interested in? Men, Women, Relationships? You assume she is interested in men, because her being interested in women would be too good to be true. You must find out if she has a boyfriend. Remember you are going to spend a lot of time thinking about this girl, you don't want to waste any of your "alone time activities" on someone that has a boyfriend and is not famous.

You approach the girl (with a fake mustache on) and tell her "Oh hey I met you before. I know your boyfriend�"If she says she has no boyfriend, point at the sky, yell "Look a Blimp" and then run away. If she said oh right I remember you, flick her off and move on to another girl.

Now, if she is the one, you have to find out her name. You pull out your handy copy of the yearbook and look up the name by scanning every picture in the freshman section and comparing it to your recent photo job. This takes awhile, but sure enough, Bingo, you have a name, and an added bonus, all the groups and activities she is interested in. (if they have no photo, they are probably nasty looking, so you skip them)

Time to go down to the quad or whatevs and grab a copy of the student phone directory. You use the name you just learned to find out the exact room number of the girl. Now you have an address and a phone number.

You go back to the dorms and break into her room. It is here you look through their collection of Beta Max movies, books, and Cassette tapes. You now have a good feeling about their favorite music, favorite books, and favorite movies. Remember to read her diary and find out what her interests are and more about her. Good Job.

If you are really lucky, you will find some more photos of her that include pictures of their other friends. You snatch them as you will use these later to do a certain activity that you do when alone with your pal Handy Handerson. (or fingery fingerson, or knowing some of you ladies, batteryoperatedey batteryoperatedson) Nasty

Now, you head over to the campus post office. "Don't forget the lock pick!" You make sure no one is around and break into the mailboxes of your new prospective friend. (Their address is their box number) You find out if anyone has sent them an invitation to an event. If you are lucky, the event will be public and the invitation will have a location. This way, if it is in a public enough setting, you may be able to show up and act like you were invited.

You know this next part is optional, but it is something you truly care about. I'm sure back then people voted for presidents and government officials instead of for Kelly Clarksons and Clay Aikens, but who knows. So on Election Day, you must follow the girl down to the polls. You must then give a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to a poll volunteer and put on their uniform. You are just like Jack Baur (who does not exist yet) Now you just lean your head over when the girl votes to find out her political views.

You now have tons of information about this lucky lady, so you go back to your room and look at it every 5 minutes for 3 weeks. One night, after drinking heavily, you decide to call her phone and leave her a message (or if you want to call it a wall post, that is fine too). You say something like, hey whats up, I've seen you around, want to be my friend. If they haven't called the police (blocked you) then they probably accepted you as a friend (because they are losers).

Oh no, they didn't respond to your message. No Worries, you did well before. You remembered to write down every name you came across in their diary and their mail. You repeated the process so that you not only have the girls info, but the info for all her friends. You now can see how many common friends you have and can compare everyone's interests. You will never hook up with anyone using this process, but you can always dream and stare at their pictures, hoping for that mythical swimsuit photo.


If you read this story it kind of seems like you were stalking someone. You didn't know the person, you saw them around, and you tried to find out all their info and all their friends info and started at photos of them for hours. I'm sure an officer of the law would feel the same way. In conclusion, next time you are alone in your room on Facebook or Myspace for 8 hours straight, remember that you are doing pretty much the same thing as you did in this story.

If you don't know what Facebook is, than this story is not that interesting and you wasted your time.

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