That Is So Hurting. Money Hurting!

Written By Chris C-Ford ---- Saturday, April 26, 2008

I never listen to the Sports Junkies. I'm not money. I'm not even hurting. (although I am hurting for money) But last night I went to the Spring Break party 2k8 hosted by WJFK. After all when the bill for the event lists "bikini contest" and "lesb kissing contest" I'm pretty much there.

The evening started out as usual. We didn't feel like waiting 7 minutes for our friend so we drove without him, making him drive a separate car 7 minutes later. We arrived at the State Theater (hosting the event) 2 1/2 hours early where the line had already started to form. Instead of waiting in line for an hour and a half hoping the doors would open early, we went over to a local pub to get "lagered".

After a few (4) colas (chugged beers), we decided to try our chances in the line, which to my disappointment was really long, and winding around the corner. I hadn't seen this many bald men since I went to that Buddhist temple. As I waited in line, loyal listeners talked about how the line was "hurting" and "a show". I felt left out. I questioned my reasoning for waiting in line. I kept saying to myself over and over in my head "bikini contest...lesb kissing contest...bikini contest..."

"What are you waiting in line for? What famous person is inside? Is this Idol tryouts? Is there a roller coaster in there? Is Chyna giving autographs?"

After a good half hour in line, we were finally in the door (and noticed that there wasn't even a line anymore). Obviously we were thirsty and needed some quick suds to rejuvenate our spirits. So we waited in line another 30 minutes for 2 Bud Lights each. (It is like that ride at Disney where you wait in line, and when you get to the front of the line , you realize that the ride is a line...or the Reef in Adam's Morgan)

Using my patented "beer at all times" method, we drank our 2 beers while waiting in line to buy 2 more beers. Repeat. Soon enough we were feeling it like Blink 182.

I was still kinda upset I was wasting my time at this event. After all, I hadn't seen this much sausage since I worked at IHOP. (bikini contest...lesbian kissing contest...) But finally it was the moment I was waiting for. The cover band stopped playing songs from Rock Band and the contests were about to begin. I stared on stage waiting for the first hot girl to come frolicking out. The tension was building. The blood was flowing (somewhere). And then...3 dudes in speedos with poor grooming habits come out. Needless to say I was upset.

I let my friend hear it for 30 straight minutes. I called him every name in the book. "If I wanted to wait in line and see junk in banana hammocks, I would have went to Zumanity."

As I hollered and fussed something was happening. A crowd started to gather behind me. I raised my voice hoping for the crowd to agree, I noticed that they were not paying attention to me. They were looking on stage. At contestant number 1. MONEY!

First was the Lesb Kissing contest which was weak. The girls didn't even kiss. The ones that did were downright nasty. (Muggsy Bogues...1's) HURTING! One contestant wasn't wearing underwear, and this fact was made obvious when she bent over. We have a winner!

Next was the Bikini Contest. " " yeah I was pretty much speechless. It was MONEY! When a winner was crowned and the 300 "soldiers" stopped "standing in attention" (I hadn't seen this many erections since I watched that video in Architecture class), beads & shirts were thrust upon the crowd.

I used my skills gained from the Verizon T-Shirt Launch (where i pulled in quite a few shirts this year) and started reaching for the stars (if I'd miss I'd still be with the that's not right) I pulled in about 5 shirts and was quite proud. Yeah I was selfish (no thanks I'm allergic). But I had 8-9 excuses ($50). I had drank enough beer to fill a dump truck...or at least to fill a me.

As the evening died down, our buddy's desire to "go steady" with some chicks got stronger. We watched as he used the line I fed him. "Did you pray today? Because I don't want you to have to get on your knees twice in one day" It was not working. Later..."Wait is he making out with a chi....ohhhhh no is that her boyfriend...what the...."

So as we got into the cab we didn't call, I thought about the evenings events. I felt like I actually had a pretty good time. I had 5 new shirts that I could wear to the white out. Plus I saw some cans. MONEY!

Note to employer: I did not attend this event. I made it up. Its fiction. Or non-fiction. Whichever means its false.