History Of The NBA

Written By Chris C-Ford ---- Monday, August 13, 2007

I came across a depressing article this morning about life expectancy in the United States. So what does this have to do with the Washington Wizards? Nothing! It is kinda sad. But life expectancy history is interesting so lets take a look at some Wizards & The NBA In History.

Neanderthal Era (Life Expectancy: 20)
  • Free throw line was moved from 12 dead animal carcases (dac) to 15 dac.
  • Uniforms consist of shorts made with a bit more material than the NBA 1980's shorts & no jerseys. Numbers painted onto back with animal feces.
  • Nick Young is the only player alive and he is so old and blind he is forced to retire and become an NBA referee.
Bronze Age (Life Expectancy: 18)
  • Leather basketball changed to Bronze basketball. Two months later it goes back to leather after players like Steve Nash complained that the ball was "too slippery" (not to mention that it was impossible to dribble)
  • Uniforms made out of some kind of metal. Very heavy & hard to play in.
  • Entire Wizards team is dead, rendering all these problems moot.
Classical Greece & Rome (Life Expectancy: 28)
  • Fouls were now worth more than points as men touching each other really brought in the crowds.
  • Due to the "togaforms" and lack of underwear, games could not be broadcast live as there would be many inappropriate "crotch shots".
  • Gilbert Arenas releases his new clothing line: Fly Togas.
  • Calvin Booth, Antonio Daniels, Antawn Jamison, Brendan Haywood, Michael Ruffin, Darius Songalia, & Etan Thomas would not be alive.
Medieval Times (Life Expectancy: 33)
"There are no utensils in medieval times, thus, there are no utensils AT Medieval Times. Would you like a refill on that Pepsi?"
  • Leaving the bench during a battle or crusade was made an automatic 1 game suspension.
  • NBA began a dress code policy where all players had to travel wearing a Suit...of Armor.
  • Blatche ran into some problems with an undercover wench.
  • Rest of team would have been alive except for the fact that they were all accused of being wizards and burned at the stake.
See, the NBA wasn't that different back then.

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